Apr 2019 03

So many people have said to me – ‘You get back what you put out there’ lately. I have started to examine what I’m putting out there. Other than pheromones past their best before date.

The topic of happy has been on my mind.

Yes, happy.

Oh, boy. Andrew’s listening to that relaxation music with the birds again. No.

But recently someone asked me what my life would look like for me to be happy.

At first I thought ‘Fuck you, what makes you think I’m not happy?’ and then realized that isn’t exactly a response a happy person would have. So I thought about it. I usually have an answer for everything right away, but I really had to think.

And then even when I started to talk, I realized I had nothing to say. Rare. I can ramble about anything usually, but this cupboard was bare.

Hmmm. Happy. I never really wondered about what that means, but what the fuck is ‘happy’, anyway?

When I was younger, the answer was easier – happy was something in the future, filled with possessions I had worked for, or events that I imagined would happen. Success at a career yet to even happen. Yes, those things would ‘make’ me happy.

Janis said it well. ‘Lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz…’

And as you get older (I’m not that old yet, people) you get a little road in the rear view mirror and you see that you bought those things. You did those things. You’re making a living doing the thing you wanted to do.

And yet… did ‘happy’ happen? Hmmm.

Where is the truth in advertising? Weren’t we promised happy if we painted by the numbers?

So now I wonder, this ‘happy’, just what is it?

Part of me wonders if it is just the release of brain chemicals and their effect and a hope that the cycle continues. Happy is your brain chemistry working well. Keep in mind, I’m sober now and my brain is adjusting to this lack of generated highs and searching for the next one. So if this is the case, I’m in trouble for awhile.

What about a point in time? A destination? Can ‘happy’ be reached? “Ah, we’re here everyone. We made it.” This seems problematic too as it will always be dependant on an outcome.

Is it having a purpose? A feeling like you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and in the role you were meant to be in? That Dalai Lama looks pretty fuckin happy all the time.

An increasing number of us Generation Xers are starting to look at our lives and wonder if we’re doing this right. We still have time. I don’t know if I’d call it a mid-life crisis, necessarily. Some of us are wondering if we just made the world worse. And maybe the change has to start with ourselves.

I still don’t have an answer for the question.

But I am starting to wonder if it is the ability to look at each moment with optimism and wonder.

This is the problem for me, it seems.

Happy might depend on my own outlook on life and enjoying the moments and journey instead of only enjoying a hoped for outcome.

This would require a major rewiring. Like shock therapy. Like waking up with the brain of a happy-go-lucky dog. Like basically – not being me. Ugh.

But I’m intrigued with this topic. As a human. As a writer. As an explorer stepping out of the space capsule.

This needs more examination.



I know this. Happy. I’ve tried defining it through everyone else’s lens. Clearly, I don’t have my own definition of it.