Leafs GM ‘expecting more’ from Carlton the Bear this season
Sep 2011 19

Fuji Tamale News, Toronto

Reflecting the ‘no, we really mean it this time’ winning attitude of the coming season, Leafs GM Brian Burke called out the performance of the team mascot. “Carlton’s got to pick up his game”, he said of the 6’4 guy in a polar bear suit. “There were times last year where instead of motivating our front line, he was just hugging children and trying to keep people happy and that cost us some points”.

The mascot was one of the Leafs top free-agent signings of the summer, inking a $42,000 1-year deal.

The Maple Leafs open their preseason tonight hosting the Ottawa Senators at the Air Canada Centre, 7 pm.

Used up Starfuckers vow to “lie back, think of Clooney, and hope for the best” during last days of TIFF
Sep 2011 14

FujiTamale Breaking News, Toronto



High Schooler wastes his ‘getting to 3rd base this summer’ story on very first day of school
Sep 2011 06

FujiTamale News, Toronto

In a brazen and stunning move that he regrets now, 13 year-old Casey Johnson wasted no time in telling his friends about his greatest almost-sexual conquest of the summer. “It was ill-timed,” says the grade 10 North Albion Collegiate student of his first day, 9:08 am recounting of his steamy summer liason. “Homeroom attendance hadn’t even been called yet and I told the best story I’ll have all year. Where do I go from here?”

In the excitement of new teachers, subjects and the unexpected development of Melanie Proulx’s breasts over the summer, friends of Johnson quickly forgot his story about some chick named Beth or Brandy or something like that and being at the beach or was it camp or something and anyhow blah blah blah something mama’s boy.

It’s just not summer without CNE Midway death, says outraged public
Aug 2011 30

FujiTamale News, Toronto

With a mere week to go for the event marking the unofficial end of summer, there has yet to be a single reported accident on the midway at the Canadian National Exhibition. And the people want answers. “We want our horrible story of an innocent kid being hurt, or else” said one man who vowed to stay away from the fair until it happens. “It’s like going to Centre Island at least once every summer” said another woman. “It’s tradition.”

In an effort to bolster lagging attendance, the CNE issued this press release that says “Although we have been much more strict with the safety precautions in recent years, we want to assure the public that with a week to go, there is still the possibility of an incident happening which could result in injury or death to one or many of our loyal patrons.”

Although the final week’s events include the International Air Show, daily Human Cannonball show, and pizza dough tossing for kids held every hour, the fair is running out of chances to satisfy the public.

The 133rd year of the Canadian National Exhibition runs until Labor Day at the CNE grounds in Toronto.

Cast of ‘Lost’ celebrates Hurricane Irene knocking series finale to 2nd place on ‘Most Overhyped Event of the Millenium’ list.
Aug 2011 29

FujiTamale Breaking News, Toronto



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