Man in meeting realizes B.O. smell is coming from him
Jul 2011 15

FujiTamale Breaking News, Toronto



Mayor Ford challenges homophobic label by sharing Fajita platter for two with brother
Jul 2011 12

FujiTamale News, Toronto

A local Tex-Mex restaurant was the site for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s stand against claims he’s anti-gay for not attending the Gay Pride parade last week. “Would I be doing this if I was homophobic?” asked the Mayor as he swallowed hard before carefully reaching into his brother’s personal space to grab a soft tortilla in front of the assembled media. “For God’s sake, it’s a platter for two, see, and we’re both guys. Of course not.” Rob Ford has been under fire since being the first Mayor to skip attending the signature event of Pride Week since June Rowlands did not attend in 1994.
“The accusations are ridiculous,” said City Councillor Doug Ford, the Mayor’s brother and dining partner. “And I think what you’ve witnessed here in this Texas eatery – Texas, known as a beacon for gay-rights – is indicative of the Mayor’s true position.” Over the course of 42 minutes, the duo dined on Fajitas for 2, with chips and salsa, and at one point even discussed “that gay Wolverine guy in town”, referring to Hugh Jackman’s one man show now playing at the Princes of Wales Theatre up the street from the eatery.
When asked if the Mayor would consider dining with one of his critics from Pride Toronto instead of his obviously straight brother, he replied that the guacamole did indeed taste fresh and he might finish off dinner with ice cream.

Downsized Bay St. exec denies not “spending more time with kids” as promised
Jul 2011 08

FujiTamale News, Toronto

What started as a promising summer of fun for one Toronto family has instead turned into controversy. “When Jimmy got canned he said was going home to hang out with his family,” says one former colleague of James Eakins, relieved of his duties as Regional Manager last month. “Canada’s Wonderland, the beach, Centreville. He said they were going to do all of them. We were all jealous.” But instead of spending time with kids Kate, 6 and ‘Big Guy’ Spencer, 9, Mr. Eakins has regressed to thinking about becoming a daytrader and flipping through Auto Trader Classic, looking for his “sweet ride” from high school. When confronted, Mr. Eakins challenged the allegations saying “I don’t know what the kids are bitching about, I took them to Dairy Queen just the other week”. His severance is expected to last through Labour Day when he will “probably, I guess” take the kids to the CNE.


Douchebags spending less these days say Ossington retailers
Jul 2011 06

FujiTamale News, Toronto

Despite the stream of flip-flops and ironic fedoras on the sidewalk, businesses on Toronto’s trendiest strip say they’re having trouble making ends meet. “I don’t know if it was a bad tree-planting spring or what, but those kids just have no money this summer,” says one bar owner. “If this keeps up, I might have to take those OK Goes people off the music playlist.” Some bars, coffee shops and even restaurants recently reviewed favourably on independent blogs report business is down as much as 7% from last year. Canadian economists aren’t concerned though, noting that student loans and profits from a new crop of pretentious hipster art shows this Fall should buoy the area’s economic comeback.

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