Woman resists looking at own reflection for three whole storefront windows
Aug 2011 17

FujiTamale Breaking News, Toronto



Canada Census guy renews search for elusive ‘Apartment #3’
Jul 2011 27

FujiTamale News, Toronto –

After craftily appearing to abandon the quest, the Canada Census guy returned to 249 Shaw Street on Thursday to look for the supposed tenant(s) of Apartment #3. Two of the three apartments in the house have returned the Census Form, as is the law, but one holdout remains.

The beady-eyed dark haired Census fucktwat has been told on multiple occasions where the separate entrance to Apartment #3 is on the front of the house and to stop bothering the other tenants, however he continues to come up the porch and ring the doorbells of everyone else. Perhaps he is paid by the hour or his mother drank and smoked a lot while carrying him.

On this particular visit he arrived during the dinner hour in an attempt to catch the other tenants off-guard so they will answer his probing questions about the occupant(s) of Apartment #3 in a mistaken view that they want to help him out. Questions range from: What does this person(s) look like? When’s the last time you saw them? What do they do for a living? Occupants know of course that he is attempting to get them to incriminate their fellow tenant(s) and he can fuck off.

It is not known what crafty tactics the Census guy will employ when he returns again. Speculation is that he’s watching Columbo reruns for ideas. However, when he does, a medium-sized ferocious dog lies ready and waiting to be let out onto the porch.

Toronto fears possible new video from Parachute Club as mercury rises
Jul 2011 22

FujiTamale News, Toronto
As the temperature rises in Toronto, so does the fear of a reunion appearance by 80s group The Parachute Club. The concerns are not completely unfounded as the heatwave the city is experiencing right now is eerily similar to the one from 1983 during which the group shot their video for the single ‘Rise Up’. Filmed in the streets of Toronto, it featured the band leading a ragtag parade of fashion-challenged individuals performing bad 1980s dance moves. It also featured a large and inexplicable face mounted on a tractor trailer which was driven through various neighbourhoods around the city.

“We have not received any filming permit applications from the Parachute Club or Lorraine Segato”, assured Mayor Rob Ford. “And if we do, you know I would not approve of fun, dancing or headband wearing in the streets of this city.”

Still, residents fear the worst and with this high-pressure system projected to stay over the city for the foreseeable future, tensions are mounting.

VIDEO CREDIT: Gloo Studios Inc.

4 of 5 perverts looking forward to new subway cars
Jul 2011 20

FujiTamale News, Toronto
An Angus-Reid poll indicates a majority of exhibitionists and sexual deviants support the TTC’s new subway cars which start rolling out tomorrow. “Most of us can’t wait to expose our junk on the new trains,” said one unnamed shifty-looking man hanging out near the bathrooms at Bay station. “I mean, it’ll be like moving to a whole new city. A sexy city. Like Delaware.”

At a total cost of $1 billion, the 70 new trains built by Bombardier hold ten percent more passengers and feature open gangways to move freely up and down the cars. To renew bored exhibitionists sense of thrill at the thought of getting caught, the trains boast better lighting, security cameras and even an anti-microbial coating on the poles.

Despite the new technology and open design, patrons aren’t worried. “I’m sure I’ll still see the occasional exposed ball or have a winky rub against my leg,” said one rush-hour commuter. “I mean, I pay my three-dollar fare. It’s my right, isn’t it?” Just as they adapted to advances like brighter lighting, emergency strips and mittens, the perverts say they’re up to the challenge.

At press time, it was not known how the new design would affect the masturbatory activities of TTC employees.

PHOTO CREDIT: Randy Risling/Toronto Star file photo

Recent divorcee wonders what the frig happened to the BamBoo Club
Jul 2011 18

FujiTamale News, Toronto

To call Julia Kelly shocked would be an understatement. “When the frig did this happen?” she asked on Friday evening, referring to the swishy Ultra Supper Club now occupying the space where her favourite 1990s Toronto hangout used to be.

After only recently feeling better about the breakup of her 14 year marriage to ‘that fuckwad’, the 43 year old traveled all the way from Woodbridge in her cramped Sunfire to come blow off some steam with two girlfriends. She arrived to discover the Caribbean fusion rooftop patio has been closed since 2002.

“I could always count on that place for a good time,” she lamented, going on to describe the days when she would leave her job down the street, have a few drinks and end up at some random guy’s apartment. Kelly said she was too busy raising kids and supporting her recently discovered to be having an affair ex-husband’s auto parts business to hear about the club’s demise.

When last seen, Kelly and her mini-skirted entourage were spotted tottering towards the area of Crocodile Rock on Adelaide.

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