4 of 5 perverts looking forward to new subway cars
Jul 2011 20

FujiTamale News, Toronto
An Angus-Reid poll indicates a majority of exhibitionists and sexual deviants support the TTC’s new subway cars which start rolling out tomorrow. “Most of us can’t wait to expose our junk on the new trains,” said one unnamed shifty-looking man hanging out near the bathrooms at Bay station. “I mean, it’ll be like moving to a whole new city. A sexy city. Like Delaware.”

At a total cost of $1 billion, the 70 new trains built by Bombardier hold ten percent more passengers and feature open gangways to move freely up and down the cars. To renew bored exhibitionists sense of thrill at the thought of getting caught, the trains boast better lighting, security cameras and even an anti-microbial coating on the poles.

Despite the new technology and open design, patrons aren’t worried. “I’m sure I’ll still see the occasional exposed ball or have a winky rub against my leg,” said one rush-hour commuter. “I mean, I pay my three-dollar fare. It’s my right, isn’t it?” Just as they adapted to advances like brighter lighting, emergency strips and mittens, the perverts say they’re up to the challenge.

At press time, it was not known how the new design would affect the masturbatory activities of TTC employees.

PHOTO CREDIT: Randy Risling/Toronto Star file photo

Life in a Day
Jul 2011 19

Last year on July 24, 2010, YouTube, Ridley Scott — yes, Sir Ridley — and some filmmakers asked the world to record, well, ourselves. Record what it was like to be alive on Earth on that day. Apparently they got 80,000 submissions from 140 nations and it was all edited down into this one documentary being released next week. How you distil 4,500 hours of video down to 94 minutes is beyond me but I’d imagine that like the internet itself, there was probably 98% of crap submitted.

“Life in a Day” hits theatres next week. It’s already screened at Sundance and on YouTube earlier this year — kicked myself for missing that one — and although I think it might be a bit hokey, I’m getting excited. Especially after my Hyper Island experience where we talked about how self-awareness changes as soon as you turn the camera on yourself. Should be an interesting experiment. And it’ll be a nice change from only watching people’s self-recorded FAILS on failblog all the time. Why these kids keep trying to grind stair railings is beyond me.

Take Back The Internet
Jul 2011 18

Last month at Hyper Island, we talked a lot about how personal privacy controls in the digital world are always ‘off’ until we specify to turn them ‘on’. But what about the internet itself? Who controls what we can and cannot see, and why? In this TED talk from Rebecca MacKinnon, a former CNN journalist and founder of Global Voices Online, she talks about how the internet’s larger entities are possibly an even bigger threat to free speech than some governments could be.

She says it’s time to be aware and act accordingly.

Recent divorcee wonders what the frig happened to the BamBoo Club
Jul 2011 18

FujiTamale News, Toronto

To call Julia Kelly shocked would be an understatement. “When the frig did this happen?” she asked on Friday evening, referring to the swishy Ultra Supper Club now occupying the space where her favourite 1990s Toronto hangout used to be.

After only recently feeling better about the breakup of her 14 year marriage to ‘that fuckwad’, the 43 year old traveled all the way from Woodbridge in her cramped Sunfire to come blow off some steam with two girlfriends. She arrived to discover the Caribbean fusion rooftop patio has been closed since 2002.

“I could always count on that place for a good time,” she lamented, going on to describe the days when she would leave her job down the street, have a few drinks and end up at some random guy’s apartment. Kelly said she was too busy raising kids and supporting her recently discovered to be having an affair ex-husband’s auto parts business to hear about the club’s demise.

When last seen, Kelly and her mini-skirted entourage were spotted tottering towards the area of Crocodile Rock on Adelaide.

Man in meeting realizes B.O. smell is coming from him
Jul 2011 15

FujiTamale Breaking News, Toronto



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