Dec 2016 24


FujiTamale News, Toronto –

Citing recent theories from physicists Stephen Hawking, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and even Elon Musk that reality as we perceive it could very well be a computer program run by some advanced Beings, Donny ‘DJ’ Jebbison decided to skip Christmas this year.

“It’s a simulation, man”, said Jebbison from a stool at The Pilot Tavern this evening just as the malls were closing at 6 pm. “They said so. And I don’t want to waste my money shopping for stuff when that stuff ain’t even real, y’know?”

Jebbison then ordered a round of tequila that wasn’t real, unsuccessfully talked to a simulated brunette at the bar, and went to the men’s room where he didn’t wash his unreal hands after urinating.



Nov 2016 06

FujiTamale News, Toronto –

With the switch from Daylight Savings Time moving the clock back from 2 am to 1 am, friends gathered in a Toronto watering hole made the most of the extra time to keep discussing the upcoming US Election. Which they can’t vote in.

“Just cause I’m Canadian and can’t actually vote,” said one patron at The Black Horse Tavern on Bloor near Dovercourt, “doesn’t mean I can’t try to sway the opinion of everyone within my shouting voice who also can’t vote.”

Topics taking a backseat included Canada’s European Trade Deal this week, ‘Is Lori having more orgasms these days?’, and their friend moving to Tokyo next week which was the reason for the gathering to begin with.

The group dispersed at the new 2 am EST vowing to change their Facebook profile pictures to something about the election, or like I dunno maybe that pipeline thing in Dakota, to instigate real change in the world.

Oct 2016 28

FujiTamale News, Toronto –

Totally bumming people out yesterday, an elderly woman was spotted in an underground Toronto mall wearing the Remembrance Day icon a full 15 days before November 11th.

“With the fragile state of the world right now, we really don’t need to see that kind of realness, y’know?”, said one witness. “It’s time to focus on the undead and stuff. Not the actual heroic dead.”

Said another passerby who was shopping to complete her ‘Sexy Escaped High Park Zoo Capybara’ costume, “I haven’t seen a single poppy box yet. She must have been saving that in the bottom of her change purse since last year.”

The woman was described as white, kindly-looking, and mid 80s. She was sitting alone in the food court eating from Tupperware and wearing a smart polyester pantsuit with the poppy on the left lapel where the mandatory old lady accoutrement of a brooch or cameo should have been.



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