Feb 2018 10

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan 2018 31

It’s Bell ‘Let’s Talk’ Day to bring Mental Health into conversations.

Although I have struggled with anxiety and mild depression in my life, it was really watching my mother and her battles that have really been my biggest challenges when it comes to mental health.

She was depressed and angry. And didn’t want to talk about it.

She’s been gone for (shockingly) seven years now after a quick battle with cancer. She lasted about two weeks from diagnosis to her death. And although she was in late stage ovarian cancer, and her odds weren’t that good, I really think that she just didn’t have the will to go on. She died a couple of days before doctors wanted to operate to give her a fighting chance. She was done. She wanted it over.

She didn’t have the will to go on because she was depressed and angry. And she’d been that way for at least 20 years. She had a stroke in the early 1990s which took away some of her mobility on her right side. Before she was vibrant and out everyday – at the mall, the bank, shopping, seeing friends. But after, she was too proud and ashamed to be seen walking with a cane. So she became a recluse. Before her stroke, I wouldn’t say she was a warm and loving person, but afterwards she became downright nasty to be around. Short-tempered. Viper tongue. Mean…

We asked her to go to some further physio rehab, but she refused. And she refused to talk to anyone about how angry and depressed she was. It was hard to be around. And luckily for me, I moved out in the years after, but my dad had to deal with it every day. Mental illness affects everyone in the family.

My mother died depressed and angry. And never talking to anyone about her pain, not just around the stroke, but the other things she’d experienced in her life – losing her family in the Canadian Japanese internment was just the beginning of her challenging life.

Luckily, it taught me that it’s okay to ask for help. To go seek treatment. To talk.

I have no problem proudly saying that I have sat on couches in at least 5 different therapists’ offices. I’m sure I will again.

We never stopped reaching out to my mother. And although she alienated a lot of friends, a few recognized that she needed help and stayed with her to the end. They understood.

Today is a good day to remember that none of us is ever really alone. Even if you try really, really hard to be, and try to push everyone away, like my mother did.

PS – I made a small donation to CAMH today in her honour. She would not have approved.

Jan 2018 26

I don’t know what I did. But some settings on my iPhone changed and I’m hearing songs that haven’t been on my playlist in 10 years. Most I haven’t wanted to hear in 10 years – how New Edition ‘Candy Girl’ got on my phone, ever, is beyond me. But… did rediscover this 80s gem. Forgot how lovely the words are in this one… As I try to find time to write my own these days. 

Words by The Psychedlic Furs (T. Butler & R. Butler)

 

A man in my shoes runs a light.

And all the papers lied tonight.

But falling over you, is the news of the day.

Angels fall like rain.

And love, is all of heaven away.

 
 
Inside you the time moves,

and she don’t fade.

The ghost in you,

she don’t fade.

Inside you the time moves,

and she don’t fade.
 

A race is on, I’m on your side.

And hearing you, my engines die.

I’m in a mood for you.

For running away.

Stars come down in you.

And love, you can’t give it away.

 

Inside you, the time moves.

And she don’t fade.

The ghost in you,

she don’t fade.

Inside you, the time moves.

And she don’t fade.
 

Don’t you go.

It makes no sense.

When all your talking Supermen

just take away the time.

And get in the way.

Ain’t it just like rain.

And love, is only heaven away.

 
Inside you, the time moves.

And she don’t fade.

The ghost in you,

she don’t fade.

Inside you the time moves.

And she don’t fade.
 
 
 

Nov 2017 01

Seems like I really got into character last night for my ‘Man who eats entire package of cured meats’ costume. 

Oct 2017 16

Today’s announcement of Gravitational Waves reaching Earth proves the discovery of another science exam I would have failed miserably.
#notwitter 

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